Light bulb.

As you may know, I write a humor column for the Independent. Here's one from last October.

How many Selectmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven.

Two to propose screwing in the light bulb, and then to work very hard setting up the ladder and researching the correct light bulbs and the optimum wattage and the various techniques for screwing in a light bulb and whether the town can actually afford to have more light over the next 20 years. These two Selectmen work their tails off to gain consensus and to talk to the press about the need for the light bulb while the other three selectmen basically do as little as possible. They also mention that if someone had actually changed the light bulb 15 years ago when it needed to be changed, we would not all be sitting around in the dark right now wondering if our taxes would go through the roof because the electricity that will flow through the new bulb will be so darned expensive.

Eventually, the two light bulb champions get up on the ladder and are just about to screw in a nice, shiny new light bulb, but are prevented from going through with it by the other three. Because of this, they decide not to run for re-election and are replaced by two other selectmen who are elected partly because they have said, in a rather ambiguous fashion, that screwing in the light bulb is something worth looking at, and partly because they have raised a huge pile of money.

The new board of Selectmen get together — or at least they try to — but because three of the five do not attend the meeting, there is no quorum and everyone goes home grumbling.

The next week, the selectmen all agree that the light bulb should be screwed in but that there’s a process for such things and in order to maintain the appearance of fairness and transparency of government, the process for screwing in the light bulb needs to be followed. In the process of discussing the process, the selectmen draft a set of rules for talking about the light bulb and publish a list of definitions of terms like filament, wattage, foot candles, bulb, and the like. The board also creates new rules for the general public to bring up the topic of the light bulb during public meetings so that discussions of the light bulb do not run into the wee hours of the morning.

At this point, one of the selectmen stands up in a meeting, and with a great flourish makes the assertion that light and dark are not simply a black and white issue. This act alone worth it for the comic relief and he is largely derided on YACK, the Nantucket Online Community at www.yackon.com and at the counter of the Downeyflake.

The selectmen hold several hearings and eventually claim they've actually screwed in the light bulb but they never actually go through with it. And the fact that the room remains dark is obvious to everyone except the selectmen themselves.

Around this time, the original two selectmen come back waving several expensive bulb studies conducted by private consulting groups, and they try to screw in the light bulb from the private sector. These two are blocked and ignored by the selectmen who have the light bulb protected in their hands and who claim that the light bulb should not be screwed in by the outsiders because they have “special interests” in the light bulb matter and therefore have no say, largely because they do not represent the desires of the entire island.

A figurative light bulb goes on over the heads of the selectmen when they realize they have no idea if the island wants light or not. It’s easy to assume the island wants light, but maybe the majority of islanders like it dark. It’s been dark for a long time, after all, and Nantucketers do not like change.

Eventually the issue of whether the light bulb should be screwed in or not becomes a ballot question, but the question is worded in such a way that it's hard to tell if one should be in favor of more light or whether less light is better, even if you are a studied bulb aficionado. Plus the room is so dark at the polls that a lot of folks fill in the wrong oval and the town clerk marks them down as Libertarians.

Time passes and the question of screwing in the light bulb goes away for a while and then, one day, someone from the press brings up the light bulb issue and the selectmen then tell the reporter that the light bulb issue is not their responsibility and that the Planning Board needs to come up with a light bulb plan. The Planning Board largely ignores the issue partly because (it is rumored) they have friends who make a good living selling candles, flashlights and oil lamps and partly because, they claim, they cannot address bulbs without clear direction from the Board of Selectmen.

The Selectmen then attempt to give the town administrator authority to change light bulbs without consulting them, but the light bulb is number 153 on a long list of other things that the administrator has on her to-do list.

Eventually the public outcry for light is so loud that the selectmen, worrying whether they will be re-elected or not, hastily write an article for town meeting that the Finance Committee does not completely understand. They discuss it and cannot agree and decide to give their opinion on the light bulb thing on the floor of town meeting so that nearly everyone who attends has no clue how the town stands on the issue. Some bulb hand-outs are created by local non-profit organizations with large check marks on them and somewhat conflicting data and interpretations of the implications of the selectmen’s article. The light bulb issue takes up three hours at town meeting, causing the Moderator to vow to never run for Moderator again.

Eventually the whole thing passes with only 14 people dissenting. But a year later the light bulb is still not screwed in because the money for the light bulb was re-directed to pay for town employee health benefits.

YACK on.

Grant Sanders is host of YACK the Nantucket Online Community at www.yackon.com and he sends his thanks to YACKer Val D for posing the light bulb question in the first place, thus sparking the idea for this column.