YACK on: Community School

Here's my column from this week's Nantucket Independent.

It’s been in the news lately that our Superintendent of schools is looking for public input on the future of the Nantucket Community School. We’ve been talking about it a great deal on YACK, the Nantucket Online Community at yakon.com, and the general consensus is, there are lots and lots of questions about the Community School and not a whole lot of answers.

To tell you the truth, my knowledge of what goes on at the community school is pretty slim. I know a few people who work there. I know that they have a large English as a second language and literacy offering. I walk by their offices once in a while because my daughter goes to the Cyrus Peirce Middle School and they always seem busy in there. And occasionally, I’ll pick up the catalogue and read it to see if anything interests me.

It doesn’t.

Now, I’m an open minded kind of guy. But I wonder, really, how vital to our growth as a species is a six-week class on beading? And really, how much does one need to learn to do beading? Isn’t a course consisting of six 1-1/2 hour classes a little much? I mean, first there’s the class on string and then next week there’s a class on finding the holes in the beads and then I guess there could be an hour and a half on knots and such, but after that where do you really need to go?

Then there’s the class on European knitting. I don’t know about you, but I’m still trying to master the art of American knitting. Knitting with an accent or in an different language altogether is, I’m afraid, beyond me.

And there’s no way in hell I’ll be attending a class on ballroom dancing or, even scarier, Jazz Dance. (Just imagine me in capri tights making with the Bob Fosse hand moves. Yikes…)

Yeah, sure, there’s the class on how to build a shaker table. That sounds like fun. But I already have a table. And I guess there are several distance learning offerings for people who want to complete a degree or two, but I’ve gone as far in school as I need to in order to follow my chosen career path — professional saddle burr.

From where I’m sitting, the community school really needs to offer some courses that actually appeal to me, Joe-regular-ordinary-every-day-islander. Courses we can use. Courses that will make us a better, stronger community. Courses that will equip us to face the future of life on Nantucket.

As usual, I am happy to provide a few helpful suggestions:

CKG345 — How to not ruin a scallop. The Nantucket Bay Scallop is perhaps one of the most perfect foods known to man, and yet, it is very easy to ruin. Many people wrap them in bacon and broil them. Good for Nantucket’s fledgling toothpick industry, but not so good for the palate. Classes will discuss proper sauté-pan selection, caramelization, and complimentary aromatics. One class will be spent learning the proper technique for opening scallops and eating them raw, on your back porch, with a cold beer within reach.

PLN089 — Planning on Nantucket. This nine-week course will cover the nine state-mandated areas of the 41-81d master plan and will outline the difficult and arduous work that goes into planning. Hopefully our current planning board will actually attend and learn something.

SDF945 — Rotary Navigation 101. With a new roundabout on Nantucket, the population could really use a refresher course on roundabout and rotary particulars: Clock wise or counter clockwise, it’s not a choice. How to enter a rotary. Who has the right of way. And what to do when you get dizzy from all that spinning (hint: do not put your head between your legs while driving). This course will be listed with other self-defense classes.

SHP784 — Bargains on Nantucket. A one-night, 15-minute course. Cost $300 per student. BYOB.

NAV095 — How to read a tide chart. Even seasoned mariners and fishermen need a little refresher reading tide charts from time to time to see who low a tide can actually be.

SIT820 — Bench-sitting for beginners. The generation of Nantucket bench-sitters is getting older and older. When they become just a memory, who will be there to take their place? Take this course to learn how you can carry on this vital and important tradition. (Natives only.)

POL216 — A primer on Nantucket’s strange and perplexing political landscape. Nothing is more complex than politics on Nantucket. This helpful seminar will walk you through the players, positions and pitfalls of public service on this little island. Find out what’s not being reported in the newspapers. Learn all about the local democratic and republican committees. Traverse the specifics of the open meeting statute. Learn the importance of a properly worded zoning article. And discover the difference between being anti-growth and pro-managed growth. Courses held at the Downeyflake and at the Brotherhood’s upstairs bar.

SAS682 — Stop and Shop Survival Guide. Learn the secrets of traversing the Stop and Shop aisles and escaping with your life and at least half your life savings. In the summer, the fine art of parking space acquisition will also be taught.

FND998 — One Man’s Trash — How to make money with Take It or Leave It and eBay. An online course offering. For details, go to eBay.com and use the search term, “Nantucket.” This course could allow you to finally buy that house in Shimmo you’ve always wanted.

LSR345 — How to write a cogent and compelling letter to the editor. This course is a must for sewer wonks, critics, complainers and roofing contractors. Learn how to write a letter to the editor without sounding like you’re a raving nut-job, mouthing the words as you type, emitting little bits of spittle which collect on the computer screen, and with scary blood vessels popping out from your forehead.

Come to think of it, all of these courses are already offered somewhere. Hmmm… Where could that be?

YACK on.

Grant Sanders if the host of YACK, the Nantucket Online Community at yackon.com and he believes learning is an important part of daily life. His views are his own and do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent.