Smear.

Here's my column from last week's Nantucket Independent.

There’s a movement afoot in Nantucket politics lately. (Or perhaps it’s been going on longer than I think and I just noticed) In the last six months, we’ve witnessed a unified group of local politicians deploy a very simple tactic.

The smear campaign.

Have you noticed it? I have. Often. For example, we’ve had some selectmen imply that other selectmen were part of an evil conspiracy with a clandestine, member-supported, non-profit organization that is purported to be a front for evil “special interests.” “Special interests” is a great phrase if you want to smear someone because you don’t really have to be any more specific. If they’re “special interests” they must be bad. Even if their only interest is to make the island more livable for everyone.

Still another selectman has attempted to smear his fellow BOS members by calling for “voluntary” random drug testing. This is a “when did you stop beating your wife” kind of Catch-22 smear campaign where any objection is seen, ultimately, as guilt.

We’ve seen candidates attempt to smear other candidates and election officials in recount situations.

Recently, on YACKon.com, I was smeared when one of these local political operatives compared me, unfavorably, to Hitler (I’m not sure if it’s possible to compare anyone favorably to Hitler, but I make the distinction anyway). Last time I checked, I have not invaded Poland or attempted to wipe out an entire race of people. Funny how my whole YACKon.com schtick is about fostering free speech and public expression, and Hitler was into burning books. That smear was not nice at all. (But, happily, I have thick skin.)

One of the biggest smear campaigns of the year, however, comes form our local Planning Board who voted to send a very public letter to the three Selectmen-appointed alternates, Charity Benz, Jason Flanagan and John Wagley, in which they accused them of tardiness, sleepiness, messiness, drunkenness, in-meeting industriousness and racial biasedness. And that they hum during meetings. These nasty accusations have the ability to follow at least one of the alternates throughout his career and hurt his chances for employment and his ability to serve on other boards. So, as smear campaigns go, it has been partly successful. Except for the humming part. I just have one thing to say to our Planning Board about their efforts:

You’re doing it all wrong, guys!

I know about these things. I’ve been in the ad business long enough to know what a successful smear campaign looks like and your attempts, Planning Board, are just plain weak. Guys. If you’re going to smear someone, don’t go halfway. Give it your all.

For example, if you’re going to accuse someone of being a racists, don’t just pussy-foot around with carefully worded weasel-phrases like “racial biasing.” What you need are photographs. Pictures of Planning Board alternates burning crosses, egging school busses, attending Klan rallies or having a beer with David Duke. If the pictures don’t exist, or the alternates are not actually Klan members, you can always doctor some photos. Think creatively! That’s why Photoshop was invented!

Similarly, instead of accusing alternates of leaving the meeting rooms messy, you should go one further and hint that perhaps the alternates are leaving radioactive materials lying around that might be used in the making of a dirty bomb. Now that’s messy! And the humming thing? Be more specific. Instead of just accusing them of humming, produce a recording of them humming a tune like “Billy, Don’t be a Hero” or “MacArthur Park.” People hate those songs, especially when they can’t get them out of their heads! And, by extension, they would hate the hummer. Again, it does not matter that you don’t have an actual recording of an alternate humming. Anyone with a Mac and a couple hours can pull together a reasonable sounding tape. (I myself have edited recordings of school committee members doctored to make it sound as though they want to tear down the schools and build a Kmart. I’ll be releasing that one when the time is right.) Keep in mind: It does not have to be truthful! It’s a smear campaign, remember? Go nuts!

Come to think of it, the truth is out of the question, now isn’t it? I know all three alternates and I have never met a finer or kinder group of people. They are volunteers for goodness sake. Giving up every other Monday to serve the town for no pay. There isn’t a racists bone in any of their bodies. Nor are they drunk or messy or particularly sleepy. And if you compare their attendance record to that of your Chair, Don Visco, who takes a few months off in the winter and goes to Florida, they look positively exemplary. They deserve gold stars!

No, the truth of the matter is, the truth is utterly useless in this effort. These alternates are good people who are doing a good job for the community. So my advice to you is to continue to manufacture lies. And big ones. The public, after all, will believe anything you feed them, as long as you make it interesting and get the press to print your version first.

By and large, I expect this trend toward local political smearing to continue. Because, frankly, it works. People are more interested in sensationalism and innuendo than they are in facts. And the handful of people who have been doing the smearing aren’t going away any time soon. Funny thing, that. The smearers all appear to be the same small group of six or seven people involved in town politics. You can often see them together at a local watering hole, each of them hunched over their white wines and martinis, plotting their next stink bomb attack.

I’m not sure these are the people we want leading the community. They’re not very nice. Or neighborly. Or even productive. But I’ll say one thing for them: They sure do give us columnists plenty of juicy stuff to write about. Thanks, guys.
YACK on.

Grant Sanders is the host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at www.yachom.com and like Adolph Hitler, he is a frustrated, hack artist. His views are his own and do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of the Nantucket Independent. Or his wife (who is a wonderful, kind and peace-loving person).